Scene 1: Living Room. The gang are playing Trivial Pursuit. Sheldon’s playing alone, Leonard and Penny are a team, and Howard and Raj are a team.
Penny: OK, will somebody please tell me why we’re playing Trivial Pursuit, when we all know that an extra-terrestrial prodigy like Sheldon is probably gonna win by probing us with his condescension gun?
Leonard: Well, the comic book store was closed, which kinda spoilt our original plan, so Howard suggested that we played a game. Sheldon suggested Trivial Pursuit, which we all disagreed to — strongly I should add — and since all ties are settled by you-know-who, here we are.
Sheldon: Are you saying that I’m like Voldemort?
Leonard: No, no, no.
Sheldon: Are you sure?
Sheldon: Was that a, “No, I am not like Voldemort,” or a, “No,” that was continuing with your needless use of repetition when using the word, “No”?
Leonard: You’re smart, Sheldon. See if you can work it out.
Sheldon: Alright. (He stares up at the ceiling, deep in thought.) Alright, I have an answer.
Leonard: And what is it?
Sheldon: I am not like Voldemort.
Penny: Oh, I beg to differ, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Do you really? Explain why.
Penny: Well, for starters, look at your hair.
Sheldon: I’m starting to think you don’t know the limitations of human anatomy. How can two human eyes protrude out of their sockets just to look at their hair when—
Penny: If you just listen to me, sweetie! Your hair is all thin and matt at the moment, and I think I see a bit of a widow’s peak there, which can only suggest that you’re going bald.
Sheldon: I should hope so. I’ve had that dream since I started growing hair.
Penny: That’s nice, Sheldon. Also, we could be like Voldemort’s followers — his Dementors — since every day you practically make us go demented with your dinner lectures on how our takeaway food came into existence (the gang secretly exchange looks; they know Penny made a mistake by calling Voldemort’s followers Dementors instead of Death Eaters, but they know better than to correct her). Such as today – Chinese food – I think you could have the time of your life just explaining about the air miles behind all this and how the chicken was reared and how the—
Sheldon: Hey! It’s my job to do the lecture! You can’t do it! You don’t have the qualifications, you don’t have the basic understanding, and you don’t have the reading level! And I hardly think you can call the takeaway food ours, when you don’t ever make any contribution to the payment!
Penny: I don’t see you making any contribution to our sanity, so why don’t you just shut up. And also, Sheldon… (she reaches over and pushes her finger down on Sheldon’s nose. Sheldon’s eyes pierce with pain. He looks like Voldemort) Take away the hair, guys, and what do you see?
Howard: A bald, demented asshole? If so, then yes.
*Penny groans and releases her finger, leaving Sheldon to look bewildered as he rubs his nose.*
Penny: I still can’t believe you almost had me under your spell when I first moved in.
Howard: You still liked my tiger, didn’t you!
Penny: I guess.
Howard: That’s good.
Howard: It died yesterday.
Penny: Oh. That’s a shame.
Howard: Yeah. He always used to be my last minute attempt to pick up women. Never failed. Except with one woman whose previous boyfriend had just been eaten by a tiger. But at least I have a new method to pick up women.
Penny: Really? What is –
Sheldon & Leonard: NO, DON’T! DON’T!
Penny: I’ll tell you, Mademoiselle Sexy.
*Sheldon & Leonard groan.*
Howard: My new method has four steps: first, find a woman; second, make her real angry so she’ll scream at you; third, scream back; fourth, sit back and watch the love develop! The anger between the two of you will stimulate hormones inside her, meaning she will develop a passionate love for you. Take the person home, rock the Kasbah, and she falls for you! Hook, line, and sinker!
Leonard: That’s ridiculous, Howard. It’ll never work.
Howard: No, it’s not! It does work! It happens all the time in all those smooshy love films, when the lovers get all angry and roar at each other and…tear off each other’s clothes with their teeth and…roar how they won’t leave each other’s mind and…the woman strokes the man’s back and…they embrace and…they kiss…and then they…they…you know…(sighs).
*Raj whispers in Howard’s ear.*
Howard: What – the – Isn’t it obvious, Raj? I mean, you were the one who showed me all those movies in the first place, for God’s sakes! Thanks a bunch.
Penny: And can I just add, Howard, that there is absolutely no need for that clearly ludicrous method if you already have a girlfriend!
Howard: Hey, you always need a spare battery when you have a torch, right? So why can’t I have a spare woman?
Leonard: Cos that’s adultery, Howard. Now, Sheldon, it’s your go. Roll the dice.
*Raj whispers in Howard’s ear.*
Howard: What—the—how am I supposed to know why you get cheeses every time you get a question right? You try and invent a version where you get complimentary chocolate and flowers every time!
*Leonard picks a card and reads it.*
Leonard: Which earwig has curved pincers, Sheldon: male or female?
Howard: Well I hope it’s the male, cos if it’s the female, then the male is gonna be in a LOTTA pain during…you know.
Penny: Creepy, Howard.
Leonard: Back to the question, Sheldon: which earwig has curved pincers? Male or female?
Sheldon: (after thinking a moment) Male, I think. At a pinch.
*Raj and Howard stifle a giggle. Sheldon looks confused.*
Penny: (to Leonard) You know a couple of years ago when Howard came in dressed as Peter Pan?
Leonard: It was Robin Hood. (Penny glowers at him) But, yeah.
Penny: I don’t think that was a costume. I think it was for real.
Leonard: You mean…
Penny: Yup. Howard Joel Wolowitz: the boy who will never grow up.
Scene 2: Comic Book Store.
Stuart: Hey, guys.
Leonard: Oh, hey, Stuart.
Sheldon: Uh, excuse me! Why do you always have to be the one that greets Stuart?
Leonard: Cos I’m the leader.
Sheldon: Well, I beg to differ. You are in the fact the muscle of the group, remember?
Leonard: Let me put this in a way you will understand…
Sheldon: I don’t think being attached to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis would be of any help here.
Leonard: If you just listen to me, Sheldon. I do not want to be the muscle of the group, because I have no muscles, because I am in fact the leader of this group, and also, and I can’t stress this enough, BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO.
Sheldon: Well, of course you want to! Who wouldn’t want to be the muscle of this group?! You would get to communicate far easier with female members of your own species, which means, according to natural selection, that your species will evolve far better, and will be therefore better equipped and more adapted to their surroundings. And maybe you might perhaps evolve to have some sort of vapour that erupts out of your behind to attract other women, instead of a noxious gas strong enough to blast us into the next galaxy!
Leonard: That’s impossible, Sheldon.
Sheldon: No. Once again, you are wrong. It IS possible.As the great Heisenberg said, Leonard: you can always be 100% sure of anything.
Howard: No, Sheldon. See, that’s where YOU are wrong. The great Heisenberg said that you can SOMETIMES be 100% sure of anything, in his UNCERTAINTY principle.
Raj: Oo! You just got burned…by AN ENGINEER! Oo-a! Oo-a!
*Sheldon’s face twitches with anger.*
Stuart: Should I start talking before Sheldon’s chest gives birth to an alien?
Leonard: If you would be so kind, Stuart.
Sheldon: (desperately, his face twitching)That was on purpose. I was just testing you lot. Why do none of you have the slightest sense of humour? (laughs in desperation) Every physicist knows Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle. And even the greatest of physicists make mistakes. All the time. We need other scientists to validate our results we make so many. Some don’t even consider gravity as a force. Look at Einstein…
Leonard: Face it, Sheldon. You made a horrendous mistake and we are never going to forgive you for it. Now, what is it, Stuart?
Sheldon: (in desperation) When you know the laws of physics, anything is possible!
Leonard: Shut up, Sheldon. Look, just ignore him, Stuart. If you ignore him, he’ll get bored and go away.
Stuart: If I had a penny every time I was told that as a child, I’d be a millionaire. And strangers would rob me every day. And burgle my mansion. And take photos of me on the toilet like Mark Jones did in eighth grade.
Leonard: Thank you, Stuart. Uh, hey, why weren’t you here yesterday?
Stuart: Cos, uh…I have a girlfriend…
Sheldon: What? That’s no reason to stop giving us comic books!
Leonard: If you just listen to him, Sheldon.
Stuart: Well, I, uh, my girlfriend has just uh…got a uh…big…thing, and uh…he wants me to come along.
Stuart: He? Sorry. Little uh…slip of the tongue…there. (laughs nervously) I’ll uh…I’ll be leaving you. Then.
Sheldon: Wait! Who’s gonna take care of the comic book store?
Stuart: A uh…a friend. I think you might know her. Might not. Well, I’ll be seeing ya then.
Leonard: Bye, Stuart. Enjoy yourself.
Stuart: Yeah, I’ll…I’ll try—I will. Try. And if the cat turns up, tell her where I am.
Howard: He owns a cat?
Leonard: Not his cat.
Howard: Then who—
Leonard: Just let it go, Howard.
Raj: Maybe he’s saying Catwoman’s gonna turn up here! Imagine that! Finally, I’ll be able to meet Julie Newmar! Or Lee Merriweather! Or…ohhh! I could finally meet MICHELLE PFEIFFER! Oh, dude…that would be HEAVEN.
Howard: Nah, it’s gonna be Anne Hathaway. The movie industries, they always look to the future instead of the past.
Sheldon: Well, that’s more than evident in the Green Lantern film.
Raj: Which was done by a James Bond director.
Sheldon: Was it Terence Young?
Raj: No. Martin Campbell.
Sheldon: Then I rest my case.
Howard: You mean my case.
Sheldon: Oh, I’m sorry. I’m Howard. You’re Sheldon.
Sheldon: It’s like you said: you can’t always be 100% sure of anything. So you cannot be 100% sure that you’re Howard and I’m Sheldon. Therefore, I’m Howard, and it was my case.
Howard: Alright then. If you’re Howard, then what happened at the end of the Avengers movie?
*Sheldon’s face twitches again.*
Sheldon: You’re a mean person!
Howard: I know, I know. You didn’t go cos you thought it would be rubbish.
Sheldon: It was!
Raj: You hadn’t even seen it.
Sheldon: I am the William Shatner of theoretical physics. I am the pinnacle of evolution. I’m so clever I can even find Einstein’s third big blunder. I think I can be the judge of what’s good and what isn’t.
Raj: Alright. Let’s cast it on a vote. (shouting) Everybody! Raise your hand if you liked the new Avengers film!
*Every hand, except Sheldon’s, is raised.*
Raj: Raise your hand if you think Sheldon is the William Shatner of theoretical physics, the pinnacle of evolution and clever enough to find another mistake in Einstein’s work!
*Sheldon raises his hand, then lowers it in defeat.*
Sheldon: You know, it really is needy to rely on lesser minds to back you up, when we all know that my decision is always ultimate. And I believe that my next decision is definitely ultimate.
Leonard: Well, why don’t you enlighten us?
Sheldon: We need a new superhero. And I know just the one: somebody with intelligence that expands far beyond everyone else, like a galaxy far, far away going into red shift; somebody whose role in the world is as valuable to humanity as a quark; somebody who has a status far bigger and better than that of Chuck Norris.
Leonard: Let me guess…
Leslie: (out of shot) Dr. Dumbass?
*The gang turn to see Leslie grinning at them from behind the desk, hands crossed.*
Sheldon: Oh, what fresh hell is this?
Leslie: Oh and FYI, it’s not your intelligence that expands like light being emitted from galaxies that are moving away from us because their frequencies are decreasing. It’s your ego.
Sheldon: Oh yeah? Well…you’re not nice!
Leslie: (beaming and shaking her head) Dumbass. What’s up, guys?
*Howard is flicking through the comic books, trying not to look at Leslie. Leonard is embarrassed too, so he’s copying Howard by browsing the comic books. Raj has wondered off to a comic book stand further away. Sheldon is twitching with anger.*
Leslie: Would it help any of you if I said I’m sorry?
Leonard & Howard: No.
Leslie: (turning slowly to face Sheldon) You need help, dummy? Maybe to show you the latest comic book, featuring the latest superhero: The Diabolical Dr. Dumbass?
Sheldon: Well…if I were a superhero…you wouldn’t be my sidekick!
*Leslie shakes her head.*
Scene 3: Corridor, outside Penny’s apartment.
Sheldon: (knock knock knock) Penny. (Knock knock knock) Penny. (Knock knock–)
*Penny opens the door unexpectedly, and Sheldon falls flat on his face in shock. Penny gives the last knock on the door.*
Penny & Sheldon: Penny.
*Sheldon glares at Penny as he gets up.*
Penny: What’s the word, my little nerd?
Sheldon: Please tell me you’re drunk.
Penny: Nope. Just got a raise. Now I can finally buy some Ugg boots!
Sheldon: That’s nice, Penny. Instead of continuing with your already doomed acting career, you choose to buy another pair of shoes that will be of no use in the near future, that is unless you have hidden in your collection a pair of shoes that will take you to a hallucinogenic world of physically impossible talking scarecrows and robots and lions, where people don’t know that you can never see what lies at the end of the rainbow because they are actually optical phenomenon’s caused by reflection of light in water droplets in the Earth’s atmosphere, resulting in a spectrum of light appearing in the sky, and cannot be physically approached because it is not a physical object. But the chances of that happening, I now know, might be impossible.
Penny: Well, with that childhood dream shattered, what do you want, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Leslie Winkle has taken over the comic book store. Her reign of tyranny has spread. She’s interfering with my schedule.
Penny: Ooh, now we don’t want that (!)
Sheldon: No, we don’t. If this continues, comic book night might very well cease to exist.
Penny: Oh, now that will be terrible(!) You wanna come inside?
Sheldon: I don’t like your apartment any more. My spot’s no longer there.
Penny: I just moved the green chair into the bedroom.
Sheldon: Can I move it back?
Penny: Sure. And then I can take your couch and leave it outside the building.
Sheldon: Penny, do you really think you can carry the couch down three flights of stairs, all by yourself?
Penny: Back in Nebraska, whenever a cow went astray, I was always called on to carry them back to the barn. Without stopping. Also, I jog. Which always comes in handy. Not just as exercise, but for when your boyfriend has just drunkenly called a policeman “gay” and you need to make a hasty retreat. Anyway, you wanna risk it?
*She glares threateningly up at Sheldon, leaning forward, hands crossed.*
Sheldon: I guess I’ll manage.
*Penny nods, and Sheldon goes in. He moves one of the high kitchen chairs onto the spot and sits. He licks a finger and holds it up.*
Sheldon: Is there a window open?
*Penny glowers at him.*
Penny: What did you say earlier, Sheldon?
Sheldon: (dejectedly) I’ll manage.
Penny: Yes. You did. Now, what is it?
Sheldon: Leslie Winkle. The Dr. Doom to my Mr. Fantastic. The Magneto to my Charles Xavier. The Abomination to my Incredible Hulk. She’s invaded the comic book store while Stuart, would you believe it, is away with his new girlfriend.
Penny: Stuart has a new girlfriend?
Sheldon: Yes. Although, based on current events, he might not…
Sheldon: I don’t know.
*Penny looks confused, then shakes her head.*
Penny: Well, what are you going to do about it?
Sheldon: I don’t know. The obvious choice is to cancel Comic Book Night. But watching countless films and science fiction tells me that that would be just what the villain would want me to do.
Penny: Leslie’s a villain?
Sheldon: Leslie’s not a villain. She’s THE villain. The Green Goblin to my Spider Man. The Sabretooth to my Wolverine. The Joker to my—
Penny: Alright, I get it, Sheldon! What are the other options?
Sheldon: I could do an alternative. Like, say…Train Night! We could spend the evening at the train shop, where I can tell the others about what type of trains are running, and point out the mistakes the manufacturers made. And then we can buy some trains and start a train circuit of our own. H-O of course. And then, when we get back, we can watch the asdf movies to see the ‘I Like Trains’ guy.
Penny: You actually watch YouTube movies?
Sheldon: No. That was a joke. I don’t approve of internet humour.
Penny: Oh, c’mon! Everyone likes asdf movie! And, wait a minute, how do you even know about the ‘I Like Trains’ guy?
Sheldon: I found a link to it in my spam folder, amongst all your determinedly consistent e-mails of internet videos, all titled, “This is funny.” Which they weren’t.
Penny: That’s not the answer I was looking for. I’ll ask again. How did you know about the ‘I Like Trains’ guy?
Sheldon: I read the commen—
Sheldon: I watched all five of the asdf movies.
Sheldon: I was suffocating I was laughing so much.
Penny: That explains why I thought I heard the Joker last week.
Sheldon: The issue remains though: what am I supposed to do now Leslie has ruined my flawlessly crafted weekly routine?
Penny: You could always just live with it.
Sheldon: That’s impossible, Penny.
Penny: What? Nothing’s impossible!
Sheldon: That’s what you think. But I am NOT going to just sit back and let the villain bask in her own glory.
Penny: Well, then, what ARE you going to do?
Sheldon: (thinking) Hmm…
*The screen flips to…*
Scene 4: Comic Book Store
*Sheldon strides over to the desk, a piece of paper held in front of him.*
Sheldon: Now you listen here, Leslie Winkle. I am sick and tired of your bullying. I am sick and tired of your mocking. But most of all, I am sick and tired of your endless nicknames for me. Dummy…Dumbass……Dr. Dumbass………That’s all I can think of at the moment. But I want you to stop this. You’re being mean to me. It’s not nice. And I don’t like it. You’re hurting my feelings. I just want to stop. You got that, Les –
*Sheldon looks up to find himself looking at Stuart, looking normal / befuddled.*
Stuart: Oh. Gee. Wow. You know, I’m flattered, Sheldon. That was…very emotional. But I think the person you’re looking for is over there, behind you.
*Sheldon looks behind him. A crowd of Leslies grin back at him from their places round the comic book stands. Captain “Leslie” Sweatpants waves at him, and so do the others.*
Crowd of Leslies: (as a chorus, out of time with each other) Hey, dumbass.
*Sheldon screams, and then sits up in bed, still screaming.*
Sheldon: (after a moment of restraint) She really is a mean person.
*He lies back down again.*
Scene 5: Comic Book Store. Sheldon leads the geeks into the store, where Leslie is still behind the desk. She looks up. Sheldon is without his piece of paper, but he strides over to her, in an attempt to be menacing.
Sheldon: Dr.Leslie Winkle.
Leslie: Dr. Dumbass.
*Sheldon glares badly at Leslie, who just smiles back at him.*
Sheldon: You’re not a nice person.
Leslie: Thank you.
*Sheldon is taken aback.*
Sheldon: You…you…you will never win the Nobel Prize. You…you will…you will never be sufficiently intelligent. You will always be an atom of Hydrogen with only one electron, searching desperately for another atom to covalently bond with, but you…you…you never will. You’re all alone. Remember that, Leslie Winkle.
*Sheldon turns to find that the gang have left already. He looks back to glare badly at Leslie, who just smiles back. He exits the door.*
Leslie: (astonished as to what’s just happened) Wow.
Scene 6: The apartment. Sheldon storms in on Leonard, who’s on the laptop.
Sheldon: Leonard, you have to talk to Leslie.
Leonard: No, I don’t.
Sheldon: And exactly why not?
Leonard: Because last time I saw her, she slammed the door in my face when I asked her if she wanted to have sex with me again. And she broke up with Howard without saying why. Also, Stuart’s coming back in a fortnight. He texted me this morning.
Sheldon: I can’t wait a fortnight. She’s destroyed my REM sleep. She’s destroyed my weekly routine. And she’s destroyed my sanity. It must be done NOW.
Leonard: No, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Fine. (He walks slowly over to his spot on the couch) I thought you would understand just how much I have done for you over the years. But it’s evident now that you are too scared of damaging your own sanity just to repair the sanity of another. I thought we had agreed that we had moved on from being roommates.
Leonard: Really? I never noticed. And what have you ever done for me?
Sheldon: Making changes to the roommate agreement: allowing you one hour a week to watch whatever you want, be it Babylon 5 or Star Trek:Voyager; getting a lock for your door, even though it will mean less drills; and diminishing your chores by one vacuum cleaning per week, even though that will mean less time for me spent doing more important stuff, like wondering why Nintendo chose to make Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword cartoony instead of realistic, like all the greatest games were.
Leonard: When the hell did you add all those?
Sheldon: Right now, if you go talk to Leslie.
Leonard: Forget it, Sheldon. It’s never gonna happen.
Sheldon: I saved your life from an exploding tank of rocket fuel.
Leonard: I’ll go talk to her.
*He gets up, puts his jacket on, takes the keys and leaves.*
Sheldon: Maybe putting the lock on the door was a bit too much.
Scene 6: Comic Book Store. Leonard walks in. He looks behind the desk. Stuart’s there. He walks up to him.
Leonard: Hey there, Stuart.
Stuart: Oh! Hey there…Leonard. Wow. Didn’t expect you here.
Leonard: Same to you. What happened?
Stuart: Same as what usually happens whenever I go out with a girlfriend: she dumped me.
Stuart: Yeah. A month I’d known her, and she never even bothered to ask me, “So, what do you do, Stuart?” It’s always just, “So, Stuart, do you wanna come see the view from my bedroom? It’ll rock your world!” And it does. Back and forth and side to side.
Stuart: No problem. She uh…she finally asked me what I did, and I told her I worked at a comic book store, that I’ve had nineteen girlfriends, and I live in a tiny apartment surrounded by comic books. And she thought that was reason enough to dump me.
Leonard: So it’s a she now?
Stuart: I…uh…you know…uh…
Leonard: Never mind. H—How do you know Leslie Winkle?
Stuart: I don’t. I was getting desperate, so I just asked her in the middle of the street, “Do you wanna be in charge of geek heaven?” And she said yes.
Leonard: Well don’t tell Sheldon this, but I think this was your best decision ever.
Stuart: Yeah. Much better than deciding to run a comic book store.
Scene 7: After a fade to black, the action continues. Sheldon walks into the laundry room, and then stops. Leslie’s there, using the third washing machine. Leslie turns to see Sheldon, and smiles, leaning back on the washing machine. She knows she’s ruined laundry night.
Leslie: Hey, dumbass. Whatcha doing?
*Sheldon is twitching frantically.*
Leslie: Hello? I asked you what you were doing, not if you could imitate a relative of the chipmunk family.
*Sheldon starts to shake.*
Leslie: My blender at home was broken and I wanted a smoothie. Why are you here?
*Sheldon starts to judder.*
Leslie: Oh, I’m sorry. Did I just interfere with your precious weekly routine? Dumbass. Won’t be long before we find you in the Natural History Museum. Behold, they would say, the next evolutionary step in humans: the Homo Dumbiens. Big heads, gangly arms, and superhero t-shirts. So dumb they make mistakes in their workings, and actually believe that the universe is stringy instead of loopy. Well then tell me, Dr. Dumbass, how long is a piece of string?
*Sheldon is jumping and juddering and shaking all over the place. Finally he undergoes mitosis and splits into two Sheldons.*
Leslie: Oh, wow. So this is how the great Homo Dumbien procreates? Interesting.
*She starts to judder herself, until she splits, then splits again, so there are four Leslie Winkles.*
Leslie 1: I’m an advocate of MEIOSIS. Mitosis is such a dumbassery way of procreating. See ya, Dumbass No. 1. Dumbass No. 2.
*The four of them walk out of the room, past the two bewildered Sheldons.*
*Sheldon sits up in bed, his eyes wide open.*
Written by Tazir3.
Script Supervisor: zoewright96
Scientific Consultant: rgs97