This week I present to you…Sheldon’s legendary speech…

Sheldon: Oh, dear.

Penny: What’s the matter?

Sheldon: I’m getting dizzy.

Raj: Don’t worry. You’re surrounded by your C-Men…

Sheldon: I can’t do this. I’m going to faint.

Penny: (handing Sheldon a glass of champagne) Here, drink this. It’ll relax you.

Sheldon: Alcohol? I don’t drink alcohol.

Penny: Fine, faint.

*Sheldon drinks from it.*

Sheldon: I don’t feel different, this alcohol’s defective.

Penny:(handing Sheldon another glass) Here, see if this one works.

*Sheldon swigs from it.*

Leonard (still talking): First of all, the projects were totally different! I was showing that classical music nurtures lima beans and makes them grow, but my mother didn’t hear me. If you’d like to look at the relationship between nurturing and growth, I’d like to point out that my brother is eight inches taller than me!!!!!

Sheldon:(drunkenly, waving a bottle of alcohol in the air and drinking from it) I’m reeeeeeaaaadyyyyyyyyyy!

Leonard:(restrained) Oh, right. Ladies and gentlemen, our guest of honour: Dr. Sheldon Cooper.

*Sheldon takes one last swig, leaps onto the stage and pushes Leonard away, seizing the microphone.*

Sheldon: Thanks, shorty, I’ll take it from here.

*Leonard sits.*

Sheldon: All right, you people ready to have some fun? You have a basic understanding of differential calculus and at least one year of algebraic topology? Well, then here come the jokes! Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side! Bazinga!

*The hall murmurs. Nobody laughs. People look confused. Sheldon continues.*

Sheldon: All right, a neutron walks into a bar and asks, how much for a drink? The bartender says, for you, no charge!

*Raj giggles hysterically under his breath. Leonard glares at him and he stops.*

Sheldon: (thumping the microphone) Hello? I know you’re out there. I can hear you metabolizing oxygen and expelling carbon dioxide. Looks like we have some academic dignitaries in the audience. Dr. Randall from the geology department, only man who’s happy when they take his work for granite. Ba-da cha!

*Dr Randall looks annoyed. People murmur louder. Few people laugh.*

Sheldon: I kid the geologists, of course, but it’s only ’cause I have no respect for the field……..But let’s get serious for a moment.

*He crouches down and leans against the podium, glaring at the audience. The gang stare back at him.*

Sheldon: Why are we all here? ‘Cause we’re scientists. And what do scientists study? The universe. And what’s the universe made of? I’m so glad you asked. (Singing) Theeeeereeeee’s antimony, arsenic, aluminium, selenium, and hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium, and nickel, neodymium, neptunium, germanium… Everybody! And iron, americium, ruthenium, uranium, europium, zirconium, lutetium, vanadium… Just the Asians! (Penny stares wide eyed as the murmuring increases even more.) And lanthanum and osmium, and astatine and radium…

Live long and prosper! 😀